Lake Hamilton, AR - One week after boaters were photographed on Lake Hamilton not following social distancing guidelines, the health department announced the gathering has produced a new sexually transmitted disease and possible new pandemic. "While there have been zero COVID-19 cases, a new super STD has been discovered as a result of the gathering," Secretary of Health Nathaniel Smith said in a statement.
Health department officials began getting calls on Tuesday from multiple hospitals, clinics, and veterinarians treating those who participated in the gathering. "They had no idea what they were dealing with. It seems that whatever was going on on that lake created a new something bad," Smith continued. Initial test results show that the new superbug is a mutation caused by multiple STDs mixing with an already filthy lake. The health department is asking anyone who was at the lake to please come in for testing "You don't have to tell us what you were doing we already have a pretty good idea," Smith went on.
Governor Asa Hutchinson plans to ask the CDC and the federal government for assistance in dealing with this new potential pandemic. In a statement, he said, "While I understand not wanting to follow social distancing guidelines, was having an orgy on the lake really the best way to handle your COVID-19 frustrations? And dogs? How do I ask for federal assistance for a pandemic brought on by people screwing dogs?" The governor's statement continued with but Spa City Chronicle has opted not to repeat it due to its angry nature.