Associated Press - According to federal officials, crab, shrimp, and lobster are nearly extinct. With the stimulus and federal tax refunds being paid out simultaneously, Americans have decimated the population of both species. From coast to coast people have poured nearly five hundred billion into the industry in a matter of days. Crab and lobster boats have been running crews ragged trying to keep up with demand. But now suppliers are saying they are all gone.
In the last twenty-four hours there not a single boat has reported catching a single crustacean. "It's all gone, a whole industry wiped out in a week," one fisherman said. The UN plans on sanctioning the US for the deliberate destruction of three species. "Anyone with half a brain knew that if you gave out that much money in America, they would fuck something up," one UN official said.
House and Senate Republicans plan on filing articles of impeachment against President Biden for the loss of the three species, calling it an unforgivable act against the environment. "If it takes siding with a bunch of tree-hugging vegan hippies to get Biden out of office, then so be it," Senator Tom Cotton said in an interview with Fox News.