Hot Springs, AR - In a shocking turn of events, the charming downtown Hot Springs has literally caved under the pressure of its own popularity. The once bustling streets are now marred by a colossal sinkhole, all because too many tourists wanted a piece of the action. Eyewitnesses report that the sinkhole appeared overnight, apparently triggered by an overload of selfie-taking visitors. "It was like everyone wanted to capture the perfect moment in front of every landmark," remarked one local, shaking their head. "Next thing you know, poof! Down goes Central Ave."Geologists are scratching their heads, trying to make sense of this unusual phenomenon. Dr. Rock Strata, a leading expert in the field, suspects that the combined weight of tourist and their eclipse gear might have triggered the collapse. "When you have thousands of people standing in one place, all holding their breath for the perfect angle, it's bound to have consequences," Dr. Strata explained. City officials are scrambling to assess the damage and devise a plan to rescue the lost shops and cafes now residing in the depths below. In the meantime, local businesses are capitalizing on the situation, offering sinkhole-themed merchandise and tours on top of eclipse themed gear. "Why not turn lemons into lemonade?" shrugged one entrepreneur, sporting a "I Survived the Hot Springs Sinkhole" t-shirt. As for the tourists, they seem undeterred. "It's all part of the adventure," one intrepid traveler declared while peering into the abyss. "Besides, it's not every day you get to witness a literal meltdown of a vacation hotspot."In the end, Hot Springs serves as a cautionary tale of what happens when a town becomes too hot to handle due to a 3 minute eclipse. Remember folks, always take your selfies in moderation, and maybe stick to postcards for the truly iconic shots.
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Hot Springs, AR - Arkansas’ newest natural gas provider is raising rates effective immediately, according to a press release issued following a pipeline explosion in Garland County. The rate increase will not affect the planned winter rate increase scheduled for this December.
“Customers can expect a plethora of new fees included on November bills. Pipeline inspection and repair, emergency maintenance, employee overtime, parts and labor, government oversight, and fuck you, we can to name a few, the press release stated. From a dollars and cents perspective, customers can expect a $400 added cost next month as a result of the explosion and cost associated with it.
“We understand the hardships this could put many Arkansas families in but you have to consider our shareholders and upper management. We have to ensure our company’s top people are well taken care of and have ample financial security for legal defense in the event regulators find we were at fault for the explosion.”
Hot Springs, AR - With mounting pressure to end gag orders in the Hot Springs’ criminal justice system, the top cops of the area sat down with Spa City Chronicle to discuss the importance of the orders in a new interview. Sheriff McCormick and Chief Hrvatin both agree that they are a fundamental part of the criminal investigation and prosecution process.
“We rely heavily on gag orders to hide corruption, incompetence, and any kind of accountability for our actions or lack thereof,” Sherriff McCormick said. Chief Hrvatin expanded on that thought, saying, “Primarily we use them in high-profile cases to assist the public in forgetting whatever heinous crime that happened.”
Both the chief and sheriff say utilizing the unique judicial tool has been quite effective in helping citizens forget, for the most part, when a terrible crime has been committed. “Whether it be a horrible murder, missing person, or just a complete fuck up by one of our agencies, gag orders give us the ability to suppress information available to local news, causing less reporting and eventually everyone forgetting.
Both law enforcement officials want the community to understand how important gag orders are to maintaining tourism revenue and law enforcement unaccountability. “No matter the severity of the crime, rest easy, knowing that both the Hot Springs Police Department and Garland County Sheriff's Office will do everything possible to make our community forget when a horrible crime happens.”
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